Tuesday, December 09, 2008

People are Strange

Sorry I've been absent for a while. I've been busy getting sick, getting built up and then getting shot down.

Remember my stranger? Of course you do, it's the last thing I wrote about. We're going to call him Joe. After my last blog I resolved to keep more of an open mind about my budding relationship with Joe. I made an effort to stop doubting that he was as fabulous as he seemed. We went out again, twice, and it was fantastic.

I'm not saying that I really got to know everything about him right away. I guess he is essentially still a stranger. But what I have found out is great. And hanging out with him... It's going to sound really stupid and corny... he made me laugh. Hard. The way I laugh with pretty much only with my favorite friends. I'm not sure anyone I've dated before has done that.

I'm not saying it would have work out perfectly or anything. I'm enough of a realist to not expect too much right away. But I did see a lot of potential and things were looking like they were going to keep going really well.

Then Saturday night he blindsided me with the "I just want to be friends speech." Except it wasn't the normal cliche speech. He was right to do it. He's dealing with some shit that would make it really unfair of him to go into a relationship. He just isn't at a place in his life that he could give as much as he took. I know that sounds a lot like the typical lame excuse, but it's just my summation of what he said. He was completely right and kind and... impossible to argue with. What was I going to say? No, I want to date you so I deny you a chance to fix your life first. I want to be in a relationship that is doomed from the beginning because you're not ready for one.

I'm not heartbroken or anything. We weren't seeing each other long enough for any real serious attachment to form. I'm extremely disappointed, and sad to loose something that had such great potential. More than anything I'm feeling a little wiped out by the whole romance thing. I feel like I've just run through one failure after another. Whenever I meet someone I'm interested in, it never goes anywhere. We might have a fun flirtation or a short lived series of dates that lead nowhere. I'm beginning to doubt that I am even capable of connecting with someone on a deeper level.

With Joe I was impressed by something that made me think for a second that I might have found someone with whom I could connect. I guess I still can, but it will have to be as just a friend. Fuck. Whatever potential might be there, any possible romantic relationship has been given the kiss of death. We're off to friend land, a mythical place from which few ever return.

So the morning after Joe and I downgraded our relationship from "dating" to "just friends" I woke up with a fever and a very swollen, very sore throat. The doctor confirmed strep. I spent most of the day sleeping or watching TV at my parent's house.

This is the last week of class, which means finals, lots of homework, tying things up. High stress. No fun.

Life kind of sucks for me right now.

No comments: